Jokes for the Republican

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats,were standing there, so I asked her,'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow! What a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 159 years ago?

California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today; except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

An Israeli doctor said to me at a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!" The German doctor stood up and said, "Well, medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks" The Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!" Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Asshole out of Chicago , put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

Enjoy!

Education, WHY!!??!?!

This semester I decided to just leap into chemistry. I have never in my life taken a chem class, which, by the way, I now regret. I didn't think it could be that hard and I didn't want to waste my time taking a class that wouldn't count toward my major, so I enrolled in a class much higher than most would recommend for someone with my experience. As a result I have to put in double the work than I ever have had to put into a class, but it is worth it when I finally catch on. I actually love chemistry! As a kid I always wanted to be a 'scientist' (along with a million other things), so.. check. One goal down.